The day I threw away my scale …
I cried over a 4 lb weight gain
after 72 hours of straight starvation.
I cried because after a 4 year battle with ednos,
I was rubbed raw with tender emotions.
I cried for obsessing over a blinking red number
between my toes– forever dictating my moods.
I cried for how sick my secrets
and how possessed with a unit of measurement
The day I threw away my scale…
I cooked the most delicious bowl of oatmeal
pack with cinnamon pepita seeds and cranberries
as an attempt to welcome autumn into my stomach.
I walked 6 miles in 2 hours,
exploring the vast skyscrapers
and tiny markets of Pittsburgh.
I crossed bridges, climbed hills, caught pebbles in my sneakers,
–counted cracks along sidewalks.
The day I threw away my scale…
I bought a pair of size eight jeans,
which I had been avoiding for 3 months
as my weight slowly climbed
post graduation,
post break up,
post rape.
I finally accepted the additional three inches
that clung to my thighs and clothed them
in cloth that fit properly.
The day I threw away my scale…
I decided to write again
for it was the only way I knew how
to express my inner self and say
that even though I threw away the scale,
for good, — the creeping voices in my head
are hushed but present.
I want to stop calculating countless calories
and obsessing over the circumference of my thighs,
but the day I threw away my scale
I decided to truly try to take time to reconcile
this internal war with myself.
I am truly inspired by you!!! I hope that you are doing well and that you are able to truly and fully beat ED. I completely understand everything that you are going through, I have lived with anorexia and bulimia since I was diagnosed and hospitalized at 12 years old. You may not me, you may not have seen me before, but believe that I am praying that you are strong enough to accept your own inner beauty and fight away the temptation to exercise to the extreme, to not eat, to count the devil of calories. Know that you are worth that piece of pie or eating three meals a day and not starving the beautiful person that shows in BOTH pictures. I have faith in you and reading your story has given me strength, the bump I needed, to throw away my scale too…
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Your words are incredibly kind. Believe me, it took 3 years and 7 scales before i was ACTUALLY ready to dispose of that strange contraption which haunted so many corners or so many bedrooms, but its a step that i strongly recommend. It could just be one less thing to “criticize” you. One less voice or object measuring you. In a mind, already so consumed by searching for approval, there are no answers in numbers. you are just as beautiful and brave for sharing your thoughts. thank you, truly. *heal on*
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I love this!
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Thank you Tiffany. We are on such similar missions. to just live as healthily as we can. 🙂 ❤
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All I can say is thank you. Your words are TRUTH, HEARTFELT, and MUCH APPRECIATED. I will be thinking of you and sending all the best thoughts your way!
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Your kind words are much appreciated. I’m glad you found something out of “it”. thanks for connecting and i hope to read more of your work soon! 🙂
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