The Day I Threw Away My Scale…

The day I threw away my scale …

I cried over a 4 lb weight gain

after 72 hours of straight starvation.

I cried because after a 4 year battle with ednos,

I was rubbed raw with tender emotions.

I cried for obsessing over a blinking red number

between my toes– forever dictating my moods.

I cried for how sick my secrets

and how possessed with a unit of measurement

The day I threw away my scale…

I cooked the most delicious bowl of oatmeal

pack with cinnamon pepita seeds and cranberries

as an attempt to welcome autumn into my stomach.

I walked 6 miles in 2 hours,

exploring the vast skyscrapers

and tiny markets of Pittsburgh.

I crossed bridges, climbed hills, caught pebbles in my sneakers,

–counted cracks along sidewalks.

The day I threw away my scale…

I bought a pair of size eight jeans,

which I had been avoiding for 3 months

as my weight slowly climbed

post graduation,

post break up,

post rape.

I finally accepted the additional three inches

that clung to my thighs and clothed them

in cloth that fit properly.

The day I threw away my scale…

I decided to write again

for it was the only way I knew how

to express my inner self and say

that even though I threw away the scale,

for good, — the creeping voices in my head

are hushed but present.

I want to stop calculating countless calories

and obsessing over the circumference of my thighs,

but the day I threw away my scale

I decided to truly try to take time to reconcile

this internal war with myself.