The Day I Threw Away My Scale…

The day I threw away my scale …

I cried ov12006130_10153205490166448_6932586570586564593_ner a 4 lb weight gain

after 72 hours of straight starvation.

I cried because after a 4 year battle with ednos,

I was rubbed raw with tender emotions.

I cried for obsessing over a blinking red number

between my toes– forever dictating my moods.

I cried for how sick my secrets

and how possessed with a unit of measurement

The day I threw away my scale…

I cooked the most delicious bowl of oatmeal

pack with cinnamon pepita seeds and cranberries

as an attempt to welcome autumn into my stomach.

I walked 6 miles in 2 hours,

exploring the vast skyscrapers

and tiny markets of Pittsburgh.

I crossed bridges, climbed hills, caught pebbles in my sneakers,

–counted cracks along sidewalks.

The day I threw away my scale…

I bought a pair of size eight jeans,

which I had been avoiding for 3 months

as my weight slowly climbed

post graduation,

post break up,

post rape.

I finally accepted the additional three inches

that clung to my thighs and clothed them

in cloth that fit properly.

The day I threw away my scale…

I decided to write again

for it was the only way I knew how

to express my inner self and say

that even though I threw away the scale,

for good, — the creeping voices in my head

are hushed but present.

I want to stop calculating countless calories

and obsessing over the circumference of my thighs,

but the day I threw away my scale

I decided to truly try to take time to reconcile

this internal war with myself.

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6 thoughts on “The Day I Threw Away My Scale…

  1. I am truly inspired by you!!! I hope that you are doing well and that you are able to truly and fully beat ED. I completely understand everything that you are going through, I have lived with anorexia and bulimia since I was diagnosed and hospitalized at 12 years old. You may not me, you may not have seen me before, but believe that I am praying that you are strong enough to accept your own inner beauty and fight away the temptation to exercise to the extreme, to not eat, to count the devil of calories. Know that you are worth that piece of pie or eating three meals a day and not starving the beautiful person that shows in BOTH pictures. I have faith in you and reading your story has given me strength, the bump I needed, to throw away my scale too…

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    1. Your words are incredibly kind. Believe me, it took 3 years and 7 scales before i was ACTUALLY ready to dispose of that strange contraption which haunted so many corners or so many bedrooms, but its a step that i strongly recommend. It could just be one less thing to “criticize” you. One less voice or object measuring you. In a mind, already so consumed by searching for approval, there are no answers in numbers. you are just as beautiful and brave for sharing your thoughts. thank you, truly. *heal on*

      Like

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